Short and Bittersweet

But the story is long.

We finally got to cycle #4 at the beginning of September.

On day 19 I had a mucous/sperm test. Now there's an interesting test:
- take Clomid day 3-7
- call doctor when it looks like you will soon get a positive OPK
- call doctor bakc the next day because it is now positive and he hasn,t called you back
- doctor returns call (finally) and says come in tomorrow morning, make sure you have "intercourse tonight and don't have a bath tomorrow but you may shower"
- doctor then attempts to take a sample of whatever mucous may be hanging around up there
- doctor tells you that there "wasn't much, maybe a drop"
- doctor then says that there were no sperm in said drop
- doctor tells you this means you will have to go to IUI

So naturally, DH didn,t read my mind when we got home and we fought. Then drove 6 hours to my hometown to get drunk two nights in a row (September 16th and 17th).

One week after the test the docotr tells us that he won't base a diagnosis on one test result and maybe we were too late since I had possibly ovulated the night before the test. Game plan is to try the same thing next month and try to come in earlier. That weekend we tell a good friend whom I have felt guilty not telling all these years.

Wednesday, September 28th, I find out first thing in the morning via facebook that a colleague's wife has just had their third child. Three in the time we've been trying. Later that morning I get an email for a media interview about the "W.in a Ba.by" contest on local radio. I'm so freaked out. I decide it's time I speak out. I do the interview by phone from an empty confernce room. She doesn't include any thing I said in the article.

Thursday (September 29th), I have a requisition form for blood work the next day (to confirm a negative pregnancy so I can stop progesterone and start the next cycle). I POAS because I don't like to not know before the blood work.

There is a second line. I think. I call J in the other room. I have to call 3 times because the radio is too loud. He confirms that there is a very faint line. I POanotherS. Another line. Holy shit!

I text my sister grainy photo. I show my BF at work. I have an accupuncture appointment at noon. I bring the actual sticks. I'm a mess. I go to the hospital lab a day early and have my blood work done.

Thursday,September 29th: beta - 38, progesterone - 128. This is pregnant.

I test every morning all weekend until my followup blood work on Monday. I just want to be reassured. I am dizzy and soo tired. I have been napping everyday after work this week and I have been waking up without fail to pee between 2 and 4 every night. And often wake up 20 minutes before my alarm. I have been very thirsty.

Monday can't come soon enough. (I give in and buy some pregnancy books and a pregnancy journal...the first of many I'm sure. One is an updated version of a book I bought almost 5 years ago...I tore it to shreds in a progesterone induced rage months ago.)

Monday, October 3rd: beta - 106, prgesterone - 191. But I was so dizzy this morning I had to take the morning off work. I ask my doctor if I can take it vaginally since he said taking it orally might be the cause of the dizziness. He says no problem.

Tuesday. I'm trying to decide if I will tell my parents this weekend at Thanksgiving. It seems too soon. But I'm thinking of how to tell them. Maybe t-shirts on my niece and nephew. J got confirmation of a conference in Paris in January. This will be a perfect babymoon. I will be 19 weeks.

Wednesday, my friend brings me a gift she says she has been waiting forvever to give me. Baby books, a pregnancy journal and a pregnancy calendar. I can't bring myslef to start writing in any of them. I feel a little like this is all too soon. Like this is jinxing things. Byut I cry at her thoughtfulness.

Wednesday , October 5th: beta - 177, progesterone - 100. Beta is not doubling fast enough. Progesterone is at the lower limit of what my doctor wants to see. i decide to switch back to oral progesterone. Please let that work.

Trying to keep positive. Hopefully the beta will double properly.

Friday, I have a psychologist appointment. She is ecstatically happy. I tell her I'm worried. She tells me that there is nothing to do. It's like surfing. You pick a wave and you just have to ride it out. You have no control. She leaves me wiht the thought that regardless of what happens we now know that I can get pregnant. And that it can be done with the lowest dose of Clomid. this ia a huge victory and she is so happy because she knows this means we will have a biological child some day.

On the way home I sing to the baby. I lay down for a nap and tell the baby I cna't wait to find out whether it is a boy or a girl. What he'll look like. What she will become. I tell it all the things I want to do when it is born. This is our first real conversation. I rub my belly and fall asleep.

I wake up and go to the bathroom. There is pink blood when i wipe. I'm stunned. I google. Spotting is okay, right? But I'm worried.

Friday, October 7th: beta - 144, progesteron 85. My doctor recommends baby aspirin, maybe that will help circulation or something. I mention the spotting and he says "Oh.". He clearly doens't think this is a good sign. We discuss miscarriage and what i can expect.

I text my sister and BF. In between texts we cry. We try to hold on to this new found hope that at least we know i can get pregnant. We cancel plans to go home for Thanksgiving. I can't deal with this at my parents' house.

And we wait. All weekend. Our new nightly ritual of talking to the baby (complete with lesson of the day) becomes a time to say goodbye. And we say it. Three nights in a row. It doesn't start until Monday afternoon.

Tuesday, October 11th: beta - 20, progesterone - 8.5. It's very official. And the devastating blow. No treatment until 2 cycles. The only thing making this okay was that we could try again. Now we won't have a chance until December at the earliest. And should that be successful I would be newly pregnant and sick while we are in Europe. We are now looking at a break until February. Now there is little consolation. Only a small chance of being pregnant before I would have been due.

It's now a week later. So I go back to work tomorrow. I'm scared. And so sad.

Dear Progesterone

Cc: all other hormone therapies

Dear Progesterone,

I dislike the way you turn me into a crazy, raging lunatic. I am currently sitting at my desk, perhaps a little bored. The normal reaction to this is: a) find something useful to do or b) find something not useful to do. However, under your influence I currently want to throw highlighters violently against the wall while screaming.

Adding to that my lack of ability to stand yesterday without feeling the room spin and the extreme drowsiness of the first 2 days of treatment and I'm becoming a definite non-fan of yours.

Please cease the bullshit effing with my body and rational thoughts.

Me

Doctor doctor...

We had a follow up with my doctor last Friday. We waited 3 hours.

The worst part is I'm not even that mad about waiting so long after our scheduled time. The thing is, I know it's because he spends a lot of time with each patient and he never rushes you. So for the luxury of a doctor who answers all my questions and doesn't check his watch all the time, I wait. He did give the advice that the first appointment is usually less than 1/2 an hour late ('cause he sees urgent/time sensitive cases before his day officially starts). So next time we should only wait max an hour.

The verdict is: everything is going well so no need to change anything.

Oh how frustrating this is. I appreciate that he is conservative and doesn't want to mess with something that's working. But. I just feel after 4 1/2 years and 3 rounds of Clomid with no pregnancy we should be moving ahead more aggressively. Well, I'm actually just really impatient. I (theoretically) agree 100%. But in practice, I just can't stand the waiting.

We will so some further tests in the next few cycles though. So maybe that will help me feel less like I'm sitting here wasting my time. But it seems we are just continuing as is for a while. No planned increase in meds and no planned assistance procedures.

As a friend often says about this journey: more hurry up and wait.

Withdrawal

Is it possible to go into withdrawal from fertility meds?

We're taking a one month break. I'm currently day 10 of my cycle and I feel like I'm on Clomid....except maybe worse.

I feel like I'm going to cry. All. The. Time. And then here and there I want to scream over the tiniest little things.

And I'm a little dizzy or light-headed pretty frequently.

Sonis it because my body is used to the constant barrage of hormone inducing meds and is craving them (crazy messed up body). Or could it be we have ticked my body into doing it all on it's own. I think that's wishful thinking. But it's got to be one of the two explanations.

Withdrawal or doing it on its own. Hmmmmm.

Sniffles

I am sick. It all started on Friday night. Saturday I had major sinus pain and pressure and today I have major stuffiness and a cough...Oh and I finally sound all sick and stuffy.

The best part is I haven't taken a damn thing for it. I am in the 2 week wait. So I don't know if we were successful this cycle. Thus no cold meds. UGH.

Even more frustrating is that I took a home pregnancy test yesterday morning. It was negative. So I'm guessing I'm not actually pregnant, but I wait for blood work to be 100% sure (hopefully tomorrow). So I'm sick, I'm upset because once agian this didn't work and, since I'm not 100% sure, I can't take anyting for the cold.

Is this some kind of a cruel joke?

I was feeling pretty sure of it. I tried hard not to be but my chart was so much different from the other 2 Clomid cycles so I thought "surely this means it worked". And still a small part of me says "it could have been to early to test". But I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm that person.

So we have an appointment with our doctor next Friday. There are a few things I want to test now. So I think we are taking a one month break. And it's making me very panicky. What if this was the month? If we wait the earliest we'd have a baby is NEXT MAY! And that just breaks my heart. And I really feel like I can't take this anymore.

So I'm sniffle-y. From the cold. From the crying, because this is all so fucking unfair.

Pop Goes the Egg

Or "went". And maybe eggS? (and do you get that it's the men without hats song or am I really weird? 'cause I'm singing it in my head right now)

Finally ovulated last Wednesday. Got a good bit of trying in and Fertility Friend (we're cool for now) gave me a "High" (see "Counterproductive" post). But we were cutting things close.

I participated in the Relay for Life in my hometown 6 hours away on Friday night and let me tell you I was plenty worried that egg wouldn't pop before we left. Staying at my parents' would have made this cycle a little....awkward. But we dodged that bullet, thank God!

So now we wait. At this point I'm less than a week from poas and bloodwork. Here's hoping.

Edit: Lyung in bed after posting this I remembered a conversation I wanted to share.

Given how horribly uncomfortable I was prior to O (at one point walking and speed bumps made me whimper), it has been suggested by numerous people that perhaps I had multiple eggs pop. I'm not a big fan of the possible ramifications of this. As I told J the other night, it felt like I had 10 eggs on the go. "maybe you should get ready for dec-tuplets....or maybe dodeca-tuplets". That's what you get from the minds of two mathematicians, relating multiple births to polygons. (the 12 sided being a dodecahedron, in case you didn't know)

Burn Baby Burn

I play softball. Last week we had a game. I also have very fair skin. I always have an spf 30 on (it's part of my makeup). Last week I tired a new "pure" sunscreen. Supposedly spf 50.

Now granted I didn,t reapply at the end of the day before the game but that's like spf 80, right? And I wore a hat.

Well, I got pink. Not red, just pink. 2 days later, red. And bumpy. Like my cheeks felt like orange peels. Ewwwww. My naturopath suggests it's a sun rash....perhaps resulting from.....the hormones I'm on.

Ah yes, I vaguely remember reading increased photosensitivity somewhere. Great.

So a full week later, having endured itchy, burning, tight, bumpy and rough, I am now peeling. Aloe vera does shit for this. I actually think it made it worse for a day or so. I am currently in LOVE with Aveeno baby lotion. Only thing that has calmed it all week.

And can I tell you a secret? I absolutely love when my skin is peeling. Something facinates me about flaked off skin. I know, gross. But fun. :)

Counterproductive

I'm not quite sure this is normal. For others. I'm not so sure I know what ovulating without drugs is like. So does it feel like this for everyone?

I have a splitting headache, cramps like it's my period, nausea, my skin is breaking out and I'm a jittery ball of anxiety.

Now granted that the drug causing all of this is actually causing me to ovulate for the first (well technically 3rd) time in 5 years, but how exactly is this conducive to getting me pregnant?

I mean, who feels all sexy covered in zits, feeling like puking with a vice grip on their uterus? Yeah, I soooo want to jump my husband right now.

I mean, really, the great motivating factor in get me horizontal the last couple days is Fertility Friend. Ohhhhh that Fertility Frenemy. The last 2 cycles it's given me a "Good" score on my timed intercourse. Well I've always hated mediocre grades so I figured I can score an "Excellent" (or whatever it gives...obviously I don't know) if we do it every day for the 5 days that FF tracks.

It's all for better marks. And the chance of stickin it to FF.

Don't tell J. ;)

Quite the collection

My mathematician/science-y brain has created the most disgusting of collections.

Pee sticks. OPKs to be exact. I have 16 of them. Up to a week old (gag!).

The thing is I haven't ovulated yet and I feel that I need to keep them all to compare the faintness of the lines until I have a definitive result. They sit on the side if the bathtub. They range from lighter to darker to non-existent to suddenly the darkest yet.

So WTF. Is this happening or is my body stalling? I want to know.


At the very least so I can disinfect the tub.

If you're happy and you know it

I'm WTO (waiting to ovulate) and so I've been peeing on opk sticks for a week now. The lines are marginally stronger everyday so last night I thought I'd break out one of my digital tests.

It said negative.

But what inspired this post is how it says negative. Positive is a smiley face. To me, that means negative should be a frowny face.

Nope. Negative is just a......well I guess it's a blank face. Just a big ol' empty circle. A zero. An egg (which is ironic because it means I don't have one yet). Or it's just a blank face. Which I interpret as unsure. I find it....depressing.

I told J last night. He asked what I wanted it to do. He thought frowny face was....um...too negative.

I disagree. I think it would make it seem sympathetic. Even the plastic little pee receptacle would be agreeing that it is sucky. And really for the price these things cost I'm kinda thinking it should be sympathetic (not some cold blank zero).

J took it a step further. He suggested a frowny face with a tear running down it's cheek. To add to the feeling of sympathy.

I think he's weird. That would definitely be going too far. ;)

Sugar coating

Is there a reason why clomid has to be one of those nasty tasting pills. I mean it's shitty enough that I'm taking it in the first place. Couldn't they make it not taste all bitter and gross the very instant it touches your tongue. Just a little sugar coating. I mean it's not like at the price they cost they can't afford to make them taste like bubble gum or something.

So, in case you missed it (the implication of the above paragraph), I'm back on the clomid. Things are all sorted out with the doc. He didn't call me back right away because he has 12+ patients to call back every evening so he didn't get around to me. Anyway, I talked to him day 3 and he wanted me to fax my charts to him so he could see how things were going. Talked to him yesterday and he's very happy with my results so far.

So game plan is: keep on keepin on. Same dosage, but day 5 to 9 since we didn't make the decision until day 4. Let's try to be a cliche and make the third time the charm. (frig - I've already said that so many times I'm makin' myself sick). ;)

You know it's bad when...

You know it's bad when you catch yourself feeling momentarily jealous of a stranger walking by.

When you see the bulging belly and you get that familiar pang.

Only to look closer and realize that under that umbrella is a middle aged man with a beer belly and nice legs.

Yep. Ths morning I was jealous of the man with a beer gut.

Sigh.

Limbo

Okay. So the doc never called back. So I called this morning. He tends to call around 8:30. So I wait.

Problem is it's day three and that's when he prescribes Clomid to start. So I'm 99% sure it's a no go this month. But I need to know what the plan is.

Stupid thing. I think I upset him last week.

Our last appointment was in December. He gave me a prescription for 2 months of Clomid. Here's where I'm fuzzy. He either said to schedule an appointment at the end of the second month or after the first month if I didn't ovulate. That's where I'm not clear.

I told him I wasn't sure how that would work not knowing when exactly I would ovulate and given that it takes a month or 2 to schedule an appointment with him. He said (and I double checked and J remembers this too) that I could call him when I got a negative pregnancy test and he could fit me in that week. I swear I double checked 'cause, honestly, how many doctors do that (and call you on a Saturday evening to give you results). It seemed too good to be true.

Well last week at the negative end of my second Clomid cycle I called to get a req for a blood HcG. He said sure and to set up an appointment with him through the hospital. I said "Oh, I thought you would set something up last minute since going through the hospital takes a month.". He then sounded upset/annoyed and told me he can't do that and he has too many patients and it would take him too long to arrange things like that for every one of them and I should normally have a follow up every 6 weeks. WHAT!!! That's what I thought in December. That's why I double checked with you!!!

So now I'm screwed. I called the hospital the next day (Thursday) and got an appointment for July 8th. I then had the blood work on Friday and called to let him know. I told him that the appointment I got was for July 8th and asked if that meant that we would have to take a month off. When he called with the bw results we weren't home but he said to call when I got my period to discuss the next steps.

I did call, Tuesday.

He told me he would call me back because he had to check my file.

And nothing. :(

Now what?

So I spent an hour and a half sitting by the phone last night waiting for my doctor to call. We were supposed to talk about next steps. He never called.

Regardless, I have mixed feelings about this cycle. I've been thinking I should have my thyroid rechecked since I've been really tired lately. And I gained 10 to 15 pounds in the last month we took a break, so I'd like some uninterrupted time to work on that too. But the delay of even a month bothers me. Oh well, if the doctor doesn't call by tomorrow it will be too late and all moot points.

In other news:

We fired up the barbecue the other night. J went out to do all the checks (make sure no propane leaks or spiderwebs blocking the gas flow). He gets through all those checks and lights the flame just before I come out on the deck.
Me: it smells weird out here
Pause
J: I think there's actually something in there
Me: (in my head) aw. Poor spider.
Me: (out loud) Aaaaaaaaaaa! (run in house slam door)
A mouse jumped out of the barbecue and dove under the deck!!!!! J said he saw the little paws and head poke up between the grills and look around. That when he said "there's something in there". There was a flame and everything. I don't think the mouse was smoking or on fire though.

Eww. Eww. Gross. I hope he doesn't live under the deck.

Pregnant women count = 15

Yesterday while running errands and having dinner I saw 15 pregnant women. Maybe I'm just more sensitive to it because Fridays bloodwork was a big fat negative. Or maybe hot sunny days make baby bellies pop.

There was one at Subway while we ate lunch. 4 more at the grocery store. None at the shoe store. Yay! None at Home Depot. One at Tim Horton's. A couple at Zellers. A few random people walking down the street as we drove past. All the rest were while we waited for a table at The Works in Westboro. I admit that that right there is kinda stacking the deck. What else can you expect in Westboro. It's all baby/pregnancy all the time there. Really. Every other woman is pregnant. Kinda like the market a couple weeks ago. Everywhere a stroller.

So home after dinner and I had a good cry. I threw a pillow against the wall a few times to get out some of this rage that's been building for a couple days. On one of the throws the pillow snagged on three of my finger nails and broke one of them and made it bleed underneath. 'Cmon! Tears of frustration turned quickly to tears of pain. What a nice day. Though big thanks to Saturday night Live for being so funny. That helped a lot.

Back at it?

So recently I've been reading some IF friends' blog and I've been thinking about getting back to it.

I spent this morning reading the blog of a girl who died 4 years ago of melanoma. My story is hardly as bad as hers, but maybe I'll have something to say that will stick with people, help them.

The other thing I did this morning was go for bloodwork. A pregnancy test. For my second round of Clomid. I expect it will be negative. I am so over this. So tired of feeling nothing but sadness when I see babies and pregnant women. Just so sick of it.