Short and Bittersweet

But the story is long.

We finally got to cycle #4 at the beginning of September.

On day 19 I had a mucous/sperm test. Now there's an interesting test:
- take Clomid day 3-7
- call doctor when it looks like you will soon get a positive OPK
- call doctor bakc the next day because it is now positive and he hasn,t called you back
- doctor returns call (finally) and says come in tomorrow morning, make sure you have "intercourse tonight and don't have a bath tomorrow but you may shower"
- doctor then attempts to take a sample of whatever mucous may be hanging around up there
- doctor tells you that there "wasn't much, maybe a drop"
- doctor then says that there were no sperm in said drop
- doctor tells you this means you will have to go to IUI

So naturally, DH didn,t read my mind when we got home and we fought. Then drove 6 hours to my hometown to get drunk two nights in a row (September 16th and 17th).

One week after the test the docotr tells us that he won't base a diagnosis on one test result and maybe we were too late since I had possibly ovulated the night before the test. Game plan is to try the same thing next month and try to come in earlier. That weekend we tell a good friend whom I have felt guilty not telling all these years.

Wednesday, September 28th, I find out first thing in the morning via facebook that a colleague's wife has just had their third child. Three in the time we've been trying. Later that morning I get an email for a media interview about the "W.in a Ba.by" contest on local radio. I'm so freaked out. I decide it's time I speak out. I do the interview by phone from an empty confernce room. She doesn't include any thing I said in the article.

Thursday (September 29th), I have a requisition form for blood work the next day (to confirm a negative pregnancy so I can stop progesterone and start the next cycle). I POAS because I don't like to not know before the blood work.

There is a second line. I think. I call J in the other room. I have to call 3 times because the radio is too loud. He confirms that there is a very faint line. I POanotherS. Another line. Holy shit!

I text my sister grainy photo. I show my BF at work. I have an accupuncture appointment at noon. I bring the actual sticks. I'm a mess. I go to the hospital lab a day early and have my blood work done.

Thursday,September 29th: beta - 38, progesterone - 128. This is pregnant.

I test every morning all weekend until my followup blood work on Monday. I just want to be reassured. I am dizzy and soo tired. I have been napping everyday after work this week and I have been waking up without fail to pee between 2 and 4 every night. And often wake up 20 minutes before my alarm. I have been very thirsty.

Monday can't come soon enough. (I give in and buy some pregnancy books and a pregnancy journal...the first of many I'm sure. One is an updated version of a book I bought almost 5 years ago...I tore it to shreds in a progesterone induced rage months ago.)

Monday, October 3rd: beta - 106, prgesterone - 191. But I was so dizzy this morning I had to take the morning off work. I ask my doctor if I can take it vaginally since he said taking it orally might be the cause of the dizziness. He says no problem.

Tuesday. I'm trying to decide if I will tell my parents this weekend at Thanksgiving. It seems too soon. But I'm thinking of how to tell them. Maybe t-shirts on my niece and nephew. J got confirmation of a conference in Paris in January. This will be a perfect babymoon. I will be 19 weeks.

Wednesday, my friend brings me a gift she says she has been waiting forvever to give me. Baby books, a pregnancy journal and a pregnancy calendar. I can't bring myslef to start writing in any of them. I feel a little like this is all too soon. Like this is jinxing things. Byut I cry at her thoughtfulness.

Wednesday , October 5th: beta - 177, progesterone - 100. Beta is not doubling fast enough. Progesterone is at the lower limit of what my doctor wants to see. i decide to switch back to oral progesterone. Please let that work.

Trying to keep positive. Hopefully the beta will double properly.

Friday, I have a psychologist appointment. She is ecstatically happy. I tell her I'm worried. She tells me that there is nothing to do. It's like surfing. You pick a wave and you just have to ride it out. You have no control. She leaves me wiht the thought that regardless of what happens we now know that I can get pregnant. And that it can be done with the lowest dose of Clomid. this ia a huge victory and she is so happy because she knows this means we will have a biological child some day.

On the way home I sing to the baby. I lay down for a nap and tell the baby I cna't wait to find out whether it is a boy or a girl. What he'll look like. What she will become. I tell it all the things I want to do when it is born. This is our first real conversation. I rub my belly and fall asleep.

I wake up and go to the bathroom. There is pink blood when i wipe. I'm stunned. I google. Spotting is okay, right? But I'm worried.

Friday, October 7th: beta - 144, progesteron 85. My doctor recommends baby aspirin, maybe that will help circulation or something. I mention the spotting and he says "Oh.". He clearly doens't think this is a good sign. We discuss miscarriage and what i can expect.

I text my sister and BF. In between texts we cry. We try to hold on to this new found hope that at least we know i can get pregnant. We cancel plans to go home for Thanksgiving. I can't deal with this at my parents' house.

And we wait. All weekend. Our new nightly ritual of talking to the baby (complete with lesson of the day) becomes a time to say goodbye. And we say it. Three nights in a row. It doesn't start until Monday afternoon.

Tuesday, October 11th: beta - 20, progesterone - 8.5. It's very official. And the devastating blow. No treatment until 2 cycles. The only thing making this okay was that we could try again. Now we won't have a chance until December at the earliest. And should that be successful I would be newly pregnant and sick while we are in Europe. We are now looking at a break until February. Now there is little consolation. Only a small chance of being pregnant before I would have been due.

It's now a week later. So I go back to work tomorrow. I'm scared. And so sad.