So it's been, what, 6 months since my last post.
We are finally back in this thing. I am currently on day 14 and WTO. I expect to be waiting most of this week.
I'm currently feeling pretty calm about this cycle. I have little expectation that the odds are in our favour. But at the same time I have A LOT riding on this cycle.
Our EDD from the one and only pregnancy we achieved is coming up in just over a month on June 6th. So I had hoped to get a few cycles in before then to make sure I'd be pregnant. But as it turns out this will be the only one.
There are layoffs happening at work. I'll findout late next week if I have to go through a selection for retention process to keep my job. If I do the deadline will be June 4th. Two days before the afore mentioned EDD. (which , in case it has escaped you, means that had I not lost my baby I would not be I'm danger of losing my job)
My very close friend has confirmed that she and her husband are trying for baby number 2. I just can't deal with her havjng 2 before I have 1. Regardless of how amazing she was during her pregnancy with #1.
So very much riding on this one cycle. And the odds are 25%. Not such great chances.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Monday, October 17, 2011
Short and Bittersweet
But the story is long.
We finally got to cycle #4 at the beginning of September.
On day 19 I had a mucous/sperm test. Now there's an interesting test:
- take Clomid day 3-7
- call doctor when it looks like you will soon get a positive OPK
- call doctor bakc the next day because it is now positive and he hasn,t called you back
- doctor returns call (finally) and says come in tomorrow morning, make sure you have "intercourse tonight and don't have a bath tomorrow but you may shower"
- doctor then attempts to take a sample of whatever mucous may be hanging around up there
- doctor tells you that there "wasn't much, maybe a drop"
- doctor then says that there were no sperm in said drop
- doctor tells you this means you will have to go to IUI
So naturally, DH didn,t read my mind when we got home and we fought. Then drove 6 hours to my hometown to get drunk two nights in a row (September 16th and 17th).
One week after the test the docotr tells us that he won't base a diagnosis on one test result and maybe we were too late since I had possibly ovulated the night before the test. Game plan is to try the same thing next month and try to come in earlier. That weekend we tell a good friend whom I have felt guilty not telling all these years.
Wednesday, September 28th, I find out first thing in the morning via facebook that a colleague's wife has just had their third child. Three in the time we've been trying. Later that morning I get an email for a media interview about the "W.in a Ba.by" contest on local radio. I'm so freaked out. I decide it's time I speak out. I do the interview by phone from an empty confernce room. She doesn't include any thing I said in the article.
Thursday (September 29th), I have a requisition form for blood work the next day (to confirm a negative pregnancy so I can stop progesterone and start the next cycle). I POAS because I don't like to not know before the blood work.
There is a second line. I think. I call J in the other room. I have to call 3 times because the radio is too loud. He confirms that there is a very faint line. I POanotherS. Another line. Holy shit!
I text my sister grainy photo. I show my BF at work. I have an accupuncture appointment at noon. I bring the actual sticks. I'm a mess. I go to the hospital lab a day early and have my blood work done.
Thursday,September 29th: beta - 38, progesterone - 128. This is pregnant.
I test every morning all weekend until my followup blood work on Monday. I just want to be reassured. I am dizzy and soo tired. I have been napping everyday after work this week and I have been waking up without fail to pee between 2 and 4 every night. And often wake up 20 minutes before my alarm. I have been very thirsty.
Monday can't come soon enough. (I give in and buy some pregnancy books and a pregnancy journal...the first of many I'm sure. One is an updated version of a book I bought almost 5 years ago...I tore it to shreds in a progesterone induced rage months ago.)
Monday, October 3rd: beta - 106, prgesterone - 191. But I was so dizzy this morning I had to take the morning off work. I ask my doctor if I can take it vaginally since he said taking it orally might be the cause of the dizziness. He says no problem.
Tuesday. I'm trying to decide if I will tell my parents this weekend at Thanksgiving. It seems too soon. But I'm thinking of how to tell them. Maybe t-shirts on my niece and nephew. J got confirmation of a conference in Paris in January. This will be a perfect babymoon. I will be 19 weeks.
Wednesday, my friend brings me a gift she says she has been waiting forvever to give me. Baby books, a pregnancy journal and a pregnancy calendar. I can't bring myslef to start writing in any of them. I feel a little like this is all too soon. Like this is jinxing things. Byut I cry at her thoughtfulness.
Wednesday , October 5th: beta - 177, progesterone - 100. Beta is not doubling fast enough. Progesterone is at the lower limit of what my doctor wants to see. i decide to switch back to oral progesterone. Please let that work.
Trying to keep positive. Hopefully the beta will double properly.
Friday, I have a psychologist appointment. She is ecstatically happy. I tell her I'm worried. She tells me that there is nothing to do. It's like surfing. You pick a wave and you just have to ride it out. You have no control. She leaves me wiht the thought that regardless of what happens we now know that I can get pregnant. And that it can be done with the lowest dose of Clomid. this ia a huge victory and she is so happy because she knows this means we will have a biological child some day.
On the way home I sing to the baby. I lay down for a nap and tell the baby I cna't wait to find out whether it is a boy or a girl. What he'll look like. What she will become. I tell it all the things I want to do when it is born. This is our first real conversation. I rub my belly and fall asleep.
I wake up and go to the bathroom. There is pink blood when i wipe. I'm stunned. I google. Spotting is okay, right? But I'm worried.
Friday, October 7th: beta - 144, progesteron 85. My doctor recommends baby aspirin, maybe that will help circulation or something. I mention the spotting and he says "Oh.". He clearly doens't think this is a good sign. We discuss miscarriage and what i can expect.
I text my sister and BF. In between texts we cry. We try to hold on to this new found hope that at least we know i can get pregnant. We cancel plans to go home for Thanksgiving. I can't deal with this at my parents' house.
And we wait. All weekend. Our new nightly ritual of talking to the baby (complete with lesson of the day) becomes a time to say goodbye. And we say it. Three nights in a row. It doesn't start until Monday afternoon.
Tuesday, October 11th: beta - 20, progesterone - 8.5. It's very official. And the devastating blow. No treatment until 2 cycles. The only thing making this okay was that we could try again. Now we won't have a chance until December at the earliest. And should that be successful I would be newly pregnant and sick while we are in Europe. We are now looking at a break until February. Now there is little consolation. Only a small chance of being pregnant before I would have been due.
It's now a week later. So I go back to work tomorrow. I'm scared. And so sad.
We finally got to cycle #4 at the beginning of September.
On day 19 I had a mucous/sperm test. Now there's an interesting test:
- take Clomid day 3-7
- call doctor when it looks like you will soon get a positive OPK
- call doctor bakc the next day because it is now positive and he hasn,t called you back
- doctor returns call (finally) and says come in tomorrow morning, make sure you have "intercourse tonight and don't have a bath tomorrow but you may shower"
- doctor then attempts to take a sample of whatever mucous may be hanging around up there
- doctor tells you that there "wasn't much, maybe a drop"
- doctor then says that there were no sperm in said drop
- doctor tells you this means you will have to go to IUI
So naturally, DH didn,t read my mind when we got home and we fought. Then drove 6 hours to my hometown to get drunk two nights in a row (September 16th and 17th).
One week after the test the docotr tells us that he won't base a diagnosis on one test result and maybe we were too late since I had possibly ovulated the night before the test. Game plan is to try the same thing next month and try to come in earlier. That weekend we tell a good friend whom I have felt guilty not telling all these years.
Wednesday, September 28th, I find out first thing in the morning via facebook that a colleague's wife has just had their third child. Three in the time we've been trying. Later that morning I get an email for a media interview about the "W.in a Ba.by" contest on local radio. I'm so freaked out. I decide it's time I speak out. I do the interview by phone from an empty confernce room. She doesn't include any thing I said in the article.
Thursday (September 29th), I have a requisition form for blood work the next day (to confirm a negative pregnancy so I can stop progesterone and start the next cycle). I POAS because I don't like to not know before the blood work.
There is a second line. I think. I call J in the other room. I have to call 3 times because the radio is too loud. He confirms that there is a very faint line. I POanotherS. Another line. Holy shit!
I text my sister grainy photo. I show my BF at work. I have an accupuncture appointment at noon. I bring the actual sticks. I'm a mess. I go to the hospital lab a day early and have my blood work done.
Thursday,September 29th: beta - 38, progesterone - 128. This is pregnant.
I test every morning all weekend until my followup blood work on Monday. I just want to be reassured. I am dizzy and soo tired. I have been napping everyday after work this week and I have been waking up without fail to pee between 2 and 4 every night. And often wake up 20 minutes before my alarm. I have been very thirsty.
Monday can't come soon enough. (I give in and buy some pregnancy books and a pregnancy journal...the first of many I'm sure. One is an updated version of a book I bought almost 5 years ago...I tore it to shreds in a progesterone induced rage months ago.)
Monday, October 3rd: beta - 106, prgesterone - 191. But I was so dizzy this morning I had to take the morning off work. I ask my doctor if I can take it vaginally since he said taking it orally might be the cause of the dizziness. He says no problem.
Tuesday. I'm trying to decide if I will tell my parents this weekend at Thanksgiving. It seems too soon. But I'm thinking of how to tell them. Maybe t-shirts on my niece and nephew. J got confirmation of a conference in Paris in January. This will be a perfect babymoon. I will be 19 weeks.
Wednesday, my friend brings me a gift she says she has been waiting forvever to give me. Baby books, a pregnancy journal and a pregnancy calendar. I can't bring myslef to start writing in any of them. I feel a little like this is all too soon. Like this is jinxing things. Byut I cry at her thoughtfulness.
Wednesday , October 5th: beta - 177, progesterone - 100. Beta is not doubling fast enough. Progesterone is at the lower limit of what my doctor wants to see. i decide to switch back to oral progesterone. Please let that work.
Trying to keep positive. Hopefully the beta will double properly.
Friday, I have a psychologist appointment. She is ecstatically happy. I tell her I'm worried. She tells me that there is nothing to do. It's like surfing. You pick a wave and you just have to ride it out. You have no control. She leaves me wiht the thought that regardless of what happens we now know that I can get pregnant. And that it can be done with the lowest dose of Clomid. this ia a huge victory and she is so happy because she knows this means we will have a biological child some day.
On the way home I sing to the baby. I lay down for a nap and tell the baby I cna't wait to find out whether it is a boy or a girl. What he'll look like. What she will become. I tell it all the things I want to do when it is born. This is our first real conversation. I rub my belly and fall asleep.
I wake up and go to the bathroom. There is pink blood when i wipe. I'm stunned. I google. Spotting is okay, right? But I'm worried.
Friday, October 7th: beta - 144, progesteron 85. My doctor recommends baby aspirin, maybe that will help circulation or something. I mention the spotting and he says "Oh.". He clearly doens't think this is a good sign. We discuss miscarriage and what i can expect.
I text my sister and BF. In between texts we cry. We try to hold on to this new found hope that at least we know i can get pregnant. We cancel plans to go home for Thanksgiving. I can't deal with this at my parents' house.
And we wait. All weekend. Our new nightly ritual of talking to the baby (complete with lesson of the day) becomes a time to say goodbye. And we say it. Three nights in a row. It doesn't start until Monday afternoon.
Tuesday, October 11th: beta - 20, progesterone - 8.5. It's very official. And the devastating blow. No treatment until 2 cycles. The only thing making this okay was that we could try again. Now we won't have a chance until December at the earliest. And should that be successful I would be newly pregnant and sick while we are in Europe. We are now looking at a break until February. Now there is little consolation. Only a small chance of being pregnant before I would have been due.
It's now a week later. So I go back to work tomorrow. I'm scared. And so sad.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Dear Progesterone
Cc: all other hormone therapies
Dear Progesterone,
I dislike the way you turn me into a crazy, raging lunatic. I am currently sitting at my desk, perhaps a little bored. The normal reaction to this is: a) find something useful to do or b) find something not useful to do. However, under your influence I currently want to throw highlighters violently against the wall while screaming.
Adding to that my lack of ability to stand yesterday without feeling the room spin and the extreme drowsiness of the first 2 days of treatment and I'm becoming a definite non-fan of yours.
Please cease the bullshit effing with my body and rational thoughts.
Me
Dear Progesterone,
I dislike the way you turn me into a crazy, raging lunatic. I am currently sitting at my desk, perhaps a little bored. The normal reaction to this is: a) find something useful to do or b) find something not useful to do. However, under your influence I currently want to throw highlighters violently against the wall while screaming.
Adding to that my lack of ability to stand yesterday without feeling the room spin and the extreme drowsiness of the first 2 days of treatment and I'm becoming a definite non-fan of yours.
Please cease the bullshit effing with my body and rational thoughts.
Me
Monday, July 11, 2011
Doctor doctor...
We had a follow up with my doctor last Friday. We waited 3 hours.
The worst part is I'm not even that mad about waiting so long after our scheduled time. The thing is, I know it's because he spends a lot of time with each patient and he never rushes you. So for the luxury of a doctor who answers all my questions and doesn't check his watch all the time, I wait. He did give the advice that the first appointment is usually less than 1/2 an hour late ('cause he sees urgent/time sensitive cases before his day officially starts). So next time we should only wait max an hour.
The verdict is: everything is going well so no need to change anything.
Oh how frustrating this is. I appreciate that he is conservative and doesn't want to mess with something that's working. But. I just feel after 4 1/2 years and 3 rounds of Clomid with no pregnancy we should be moving ahead more aggressively. Well, I'm actually just really impatient. I (theoretically) agree 100%. But in practice, I just can't stand the waiting.
We will so some further tests in the next few cycles though. So maybe that will help me feel less like I'm sitting here wasting my time. But it seems we are just continuing as is for a while. No planned increase in meds and no planned assistance procedures.
As a friend often says about this journey: more hurry up and wait.
The worst part is I'm not even that mad about waiting so long after our scheduled time. The thing is, I know it's because he spends a lot of time with each patient and he never rushes you. So for the luxury of a doctor who answers all my questions and doesn't check his watch all the time, I wait. He did give the advice that the first appointment is usually less than 1/2 an hour late ('cause he sees urgent/time sensitive cases before his day officially starts). So next time we should only wait max an hour.
The verdict is: everything is going well so no need to change anything.
Oh how frustrating this is. I appreciate that he is conservative and doesn't want to mess with something that's working. But. I just feel after 4 1/2 years and 3 rounds of Clomid with no pregnancy we should be moving ahead more aggressively. Well, I'm actually just really impatient. I (theoretically) agree 100%. But in practice, I just can't stand the waiting.
We will so some further tests in the next few cycles though. So maybe that will help me feel less like I'm sitting here wasting my time. But it seems we are just continuing as is for a while. No planned increase in meds and no planned assistance procedures.
As a friend often says about this journey: more hurry up and wait.
Withdrawal
Is it possible to go into withdrawal from fertility meds?
We're taking a one month break. I'm currently day 10 of my cycle and I feel like I'm on Clomid....except maybe worse.
I feel like I'm going to cry. All. The. Time. And then here and there I want to scream over the tiniest little things.
And I'm a little dizzy or light-headed pretty frequently.
Sonis it because my body is used to the constant barrage of hormone inducing meds and is craving them (crazy messed up body). Or could it be we have ticked my body into doing it all on it's own. I think that's wishful thinking. But it's got to be one of the two explanations.
Withdrawal or doing it on its own. Hmmmmm.
We're taking a one month break. I'm currently day 10 of my cycle and I feel like I'm on Clomid....except maybe worse.
I feel like I'm going to cry. All. The. Time. And then here and there I want to scream over the tiniest little things.
And I'm a little dizzy or light-headed pretty frequently.
Sonis it because my body is used to the constant barrage of hormone inducing meds and is craving them (crazy messed up body). Or could it be we have ticked my body into doing it all on it's own. I think that's wishful thinking. But it's got to be one of the two explanations.
Withdrawal or doing it on its own. Hmmmmm.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sniffles
I am sick. It all started on Friday night. Saturday I had major sinus pain and pressure and today I have major stuffiness and a cough...Oh and I finally sound all sick and stuffy.
The best part is I haven't taken a damn thing for it. I am in the 2 week wait. So I don't know if we were successful this cycle. Thus no cold meds. UGH.
Even more frustrating is that I took a home pregnancy test yesterday morning. It was negative. So I'm guessing I'm not actually pregnant, but I wait for blood work to be 100% sure (hopefully tomorrow). So I'm sick, I'm upset because once agian this didn't work and, since I'm not 100% sure, I can't take anyting for the cold.
Is this some kind of a cruel joke?
I was feeling pretty sure of it. I tried hard not to be but my chart was so much different from the other 2 Clomid cycles so I thought "surely this means it worked". And still a small part of me says "it could have been to early to test". But I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm that person.
So we have an appointment with our doctor next Friday. There are a few things I want to test now. So I think we are taking a one month break. And it's making me very panicky. What if this was the month? If we wait the earliest we'd have a baby is NEXT MAY! And that just breaks my heart. And I really feel like I can't take this anymore.
So I'm sniffle-y. From the cold. From the crying, because this is all so fucking unfair.
The best part is I haven't taken a damn thing for it. I am in the 2 week wait. So I don't know if we were successful this cycle. Thus no cold meds. UGH.
Even more frustrating is that I took a home pregnancy test yesterday morning. It was negative. So I'm guessing I'm not actually pregnant, but I wait for blood work to be 100% sure (hopefully tomorrow). So I'm sick, I'm upset because once agian this didn't work and, since I'm not 100% sure, I can't take anyting for the cold.
Is this some kind of a cruel joke?
I was feeling pretty sure of it. I tried hard not to be but my chart was so much different from the other 2 Clomid cycles so I thought "surely this means it worked". And still a small part of me says "it could have been to early to test". But I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm that person.
So we have an appointment with our doctor next Friday. There are a few things I want to test now. So I think we are taking a one month break. And it's making me very panicky. What if this was the month? If we wait the earliest we'd have a baby is NEXT MAY! And that just breaks my heart. And I really feel like I can't take this anymore.
So I'm sniffle-y. From the cold. From the crying, because this is all so fucking unfair.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Pop Goes the Egg
Or "went". And maybe eggS? (and do you get that it's the men without hats song or am I really weird? 'cause I'm singing it in my head right now)
Finally ovulated last Wednesday. Got a good bit of trying in and Fertility Friend (we're cool for now) gave me a "High" (see "Counterproductive" post). But we were cutting things close.
I participated in the Relay for Life in my hometown 6 hours away on Friday night and let me tell you I was plenty worried that egg wouldn't pop before we left. Staying at my parents' would have made this cycle a little....awkward. But we dodged that bullet, thank God!
So now we wait. At this point I'm less than a week from poas and bloodwork. Here's hoping.
Edit: Lyung in bed after posting this I remembered a conversation I wanted to share.
Given how horribly uncomfortable I was prior to O (at one point walking and speed bumps made me whimper), it has been suggested by numerous people that perhaps I had multiple eggs pop. I'm not a big fan of the possible ramifications of this. As I told J the other night, it felt like I had 10 eggs on the go. "maybe you should get ready for dec-tuplets....or maybe dodeca-tuplets". That's what you get from the minds of two mathematicians, relating multiple births to polygons. (the 12 sided being a dodecahedron, in case you didn't know)
Finally ovulated last Wednesday. Got a good bit of trying in and Fertility Friend (we're cool for now) gave me a "High" (see "Counterproductive" post). But we were cutting things close.
I participated in the Relay for Life in my hometown 6 hours away on Friday night and let me tell you I was plenty worried that egg wouldn't pop before we left. Staying at my parents' would have made this cycle a little....awkward. But we dodged that bullet, thank God!
So now we wait. At this point I'm less than a week from poas and bloodwork. Here's hoping.
Edit: Lyung in bed after posting this I remembered a conversation I wanted to share.
Given how horribly uncomfortable I was prior to O (at one point walking and speed bumps made me whimper), it has been suggested by numerous people that perhaps I had multiple eggs pop. I'm not a big fan of the possible ramifications of this. As I told J the other night, it felt like I had 10 eggs on the go. "maybe you should get ready for dec-tuplets....or maybe dodeca-tuplets". That's what you get from the minds of two mathematicians, relating multiple births to polygons. (the 12 sided being a dodecahedron, in case you didn't know)
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